There are love stories that are more alike than others. The suitor may have changed his face, but sometimes the character traits persist. The Samaritan, the creative, the tortured, the selfish. Other times, it’s the same romantic scenario that unfolds, before our helpless eyes, as if the end was already written. How to get out of this repetition of sentimental failures?
A romantic relationship is the repetition of something, a false adventure in a way. To fall in love with someone is finally to fall in love with a familiar personality, real or fantasized about for a long time. It often goes beyond consciousness. In this case, love, at first sight, can occur either because the partner evokes positive memories from childhood or negative ones and therefore pushes us to repeat more toxic relationship patterns.
As a psychoanalysis, I think these relational patterns are linked to our childhood Oedipus complex, the fantasy of the parent of the opposite sex that we later project as an ideal. In general, our love choices are dictated by both of our parents. Which doesn’t leave too much room. We will then look for someone similar to the tastes and image of the parent or look for its opposite.
On the surface, you feel like you’re in charge of your life, but it’s quite the opposite that happens. If the imposed family model suits us, so much the better. If this is not the case, it will be harmful to whoever undergoes it.
How Are These Behavioral Mechanisms Formed?
The imaginary provokes repetition. When a story ends, Kasamba try to reproduce afterward all that was good and avoid all that was not. Staying on the beaten path is very reassuring when you are afraid of the unknown. This is why we keep control by choosing a familiar lover, thinking to avoid possible great suffering. While in the end, we only standardize our wishes: we love each person in the same way without suspecting that we could do it differently or for other motivations.
What Error Patterns Do You Frequently Encounter In Your Practice?
The most frequent remains the attraction for the narcissistic pervert. When we suffer the abuse of a perverse parent, it formats us to look for this character trait in the loved one. In the same way, women who are victims of domestic violence often fall back in love with violent men.
Kasmaba some invest too quickly from the start. This pattern of emotional dependence hides a great fear of abandonment. Among young adults, on the other hand, I observe a hyper requirement vis-à-vis the future elected. They establish a composite portrait of the ideal partner very early on, who must tick all the boxes. Tinder, Happn, and the other apps give the illusion of having access to an infinite number of people. From now on, it is no longer just the rare pearl that we are looking for but worse, the needle in a haystack.
One thing is certain: you cannot know the person in advance. Take sex, for example. A physical defect, even slight, can sometimes ruin our desire to conclude. But in the end, the best sex stories I’ve heard happened when there wasn’t much physical attraction at first sight. I hope that we give a chance to people who come out of the canons of beauty.
We step back because we are too afraid of suffering. Rarer in women, this phenomenon largely affects men. Choosing a partner means giving up all the others, which is why they struggle to commit. On the other side, some people tend to be attracted to this kind of individual. When we validate this behavior, it comes down to saying that we do not deserve someone to commit to us. It’s a question of self-respect. If we respect each other enough, we’ll leave.
Is It Possible To Reverse The Trend? How Can We Detach Ourselves From Our Behavioral Habits And Move Towards What Suits Us?
It is possible but very difficult to do. We must already realize that we are reproducing the same pattern. Once done, we will tend to spontaneously choose its opposite. This demonstrates that we would only be entitled to two types of people in love: the lover with a familiar personality and his exact opposite.
Only if we do not stop at these limits, we allow ourselves to be surprised and open our field of possibilities. Love is the meeting between two people who are strangers to each other. In practice, to make up for the parental burden, we will go towards people we would not have gone spontaneously.
Nevertheless, it is to be expected that this method does not always work, especially in the beginning. It happens that we think we have found an unexpected partner when he is hiding a flaw that we know too well. In this case, the help of a psychotherapist allows precisely to take the step back necessary to realize it.
How Do We Really Know What Is Right For Us?
Kasmaba is something to be experienced. To find out what you like, you have to try things to multiply your encounters with different people. Be wary of that infamous first impression on a date, especially on dating apps. If you hang on to it, you are likely to fall back into the same relationship pattern. At each meeting, it is important to slow down the tempo, give yourself time to discuss, and see each other several times before seeing something emerge in yourself. The real challenge of love, in the end, is to accept otherness.
Should We Still Keep The Fantasies And Desires We Project Onto A Relationship?
Nowadays, reality no longer excites us too much, and we prefer to live in the virtual world. I would therefore recommend that people detach themselves from their projections as much as possible. Fantasies and desires are both “enclosing” for oneself and the partner. The latter finds himself under strong pressure, which he cannot or does not want to reach. It is urgent to rediscover the curiosity of the other. It’s like going on a trip without sticking your nose once in the guide. We rarely regret it.